so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Randomize
