I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
It's shark week go big or go home
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Randomize
