just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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