This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
