Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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