The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Randomize
