You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Is Oprah even human
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
