so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Randomize
