I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Randomize
