This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize