I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Randomize
