She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Randomize
