Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Randomize
