She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
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