she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Randomize
