Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Randomize
