this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
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