Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
