yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Randomize
