so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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