I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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