My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
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