You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
I can't watch pbs sober anymore
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
