Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
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