I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
