If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Randomize
