well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Randomize
