Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
