i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
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