I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Randomize
