Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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