Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
