I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
