Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
