Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
