Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I'm getting married
To pizza
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
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