So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
He passed out mid-signature
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Randomize