I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I still have a little drunk in my system
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
where are my eyebrows?
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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