Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
