the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
