So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Randomize
