My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
