I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
