the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Randomize
