I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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