Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Randomize
