my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
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