i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
