I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
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