Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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