There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
