i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize