Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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