My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Randomize
