I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Randomize