Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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