Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
